Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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