I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
40s are totally the cure
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
