You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
