Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
