just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
