Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
