I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
