3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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