6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
