Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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