so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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