I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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