So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
