I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
