but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
