Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
