I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
