1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
