I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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