Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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