Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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