it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
