I got chris browned last night
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
