"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
