After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
