I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
