I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
