I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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