I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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