I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
