First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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