I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
