i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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