I need help removing her.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
