I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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