I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
