So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
