I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
