were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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