allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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