I wanna bring you to show and tell
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
two words...techno handjob
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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