Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
