I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
