i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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