Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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