u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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