If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
