I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
