Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize