the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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