Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
