I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
