Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
