you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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