i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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