so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I would fuck him just for his dog
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
