You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
