I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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