if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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