New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
